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Tiff Needell

Tiff Needell's column

Channel Five TV presenter Tiff Needell appears on Fifth Gear and is also a motorsport writer and commentator.

Tiff

02nd April 2008

It’s an obvious question, but it’s one I’m embarrassed to answer: “What sumptuous machines have you got in your garage, Tiff?”. I know I’m expected to own either a Porsche or a Ferrari, or probably both. And I simply hate to disappoint, but the truth is it’s... well, a Honda quad bike and the flail mower I tow behind it! Of course there are a couple of cars in the drive – the well worn family Mercedes ML320 SUV with 105,000 miles on the clock and my latest long-term test machine, a manual BMW 550i. But that’s it. And it does make me feel a bit guilty. As a true petrolhead, I feel I really ought to have something really special. But what...?

You see I’m very much a ‘new car’ man, quite simply because, in general, they tend to improve each time they evolve. The latest Ferrari F430 makes something like the very elegant 308 of the Eighties feel like a truck. The new Ford Mondeo will do everything five billion times better than a Cortina. So it follows that you only drive an old car to experience a bit of nostalgia, to let yourself drift back in time and experience the raw truth of years gone by. But that can be an expensive hobby.

Perhaps I can see a day when, with the current shift towards paddles, twin-clutch automatics, no manual gearbox option and no ‘off’ switch for the traction control, I will be forced to become an ‘old car’ driver in order to really enjoy being in full control. But until then I’ll take the extra comfort, better balance, increased grip and improved feel of modern machines like the BMW.

Yet that still leaves me thinking I really ought to be investing in some nostalgia. It would be perfect for the occasional weekend drive. And the more I deliberate, there is only one conclusion – a Lotus 69F Formula Ford single-seater. Believe it or not, I actually won one in a magazine contest once!

It was my first competition machine, and set me on the path to being a professional racing driver, so is obviously the most beautiful car ever made. Unfortunately, I know I’d be unable to resist the temptation of taking it racing again. So it is in the hands of a Lotus collector who likes it just as much as I do, and has promised me first refusal if he ever wants to sell it.

What about something for the road? Well, then I think back to the car I learned to drive in, the car that taught me how to gracefully drift around wet roundabouts – a Morris Minor, and a convertible, no less. Unfortunately while my three sons are all for it, my wife just asks “why?”.

A simple answer is because it would only cost about £4,000 for a really good one. But then I suppose I ought to be a bit more ambitious. So what about my dream Ferrari? Well that would be a 246GT Dino, but we’re straight up to nearly £30,000 – if you can find one that’s not full of rust. And, while I could rebuild the Morris in my sleep, a Ferrari is not something I would be able to tinker with myself. So my thoughts return to Lotus.

Photos of my idol Jim Clark would often include him leaning against his favourite road car of the late Sixties, the Lotus Elan. Here, perhaps, is where I should be, back down to about £15k and in one of the best handling sportscars ever to grace the roads. Sadly, the whole family can’t bundle in it and head for the countryside and a good Sunday lunch!

So how about a Jaguar MkI? But then I really like the idea of an open-top model... and so the debate goes on. Perhaps the real problem is that I know exactly what my ultimate dream machine is – a McLaren F1 supercar! And that’s why the quad bike stays in the garage by itself...

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